Let’s Talk About Obligation: Navigating the Everyday Burden

Photo by Pavitra Baxi on Unsplash

Like me, have you ever felt overwhelmed by your never-ending list of to-dos?

It feels like the endless piles of washing and dishes, constant grocery shops, and bills that just keep piling up create a whirlwind of stress and weigh me down – and don’t even get me started on my other list of ‘shoulds’!

Sometimes, thanks to these endless responsibilities, I feel like I’m lugging around a backpack full of rocks everywhere I go! So, why is it that so many of us often feel obligated to tackle these tasks, and how does that sense of obligation impact our well-being?

The Never-Ending To-Do List

Let’s face it: there are certain chores that just never seem to go away. Washing multiplies, dishes stack up, and financial obligations like bills and taxes feel like they’re here to stay. If you’re anything like me, you might get anxious about how these tasks seem to stretch on forever. The idea that they’re always lurking around every corner can feel really heavy at times!

The ‘Should’ List: A Reminder of Our Obligations

Many of us carry a mental ‘should’ list with us wherever we go. You know the type: “I should really go to my friend’s party, even if I don’t feel like it.” Or “I really have to go to work (even though I feel so terrible)”, “I must attend that family gathering.” These kinds of statements are filled with a sense of obligation, which can turn our everyday choices into things we feel we ‘must’ do rather than things we ‘want’ to do.

When we start using the phrases ‘I have to’, ‘I must’ or ‘I should’, it can make it sound like we don’t have any options. It’s easy to slip into a mindset where we feel trapped by our obligations, instead of recognising that we have the power to choose what we do. This can be frustrating and can sometimes make us feel like we’re just going through the motions, rather than truly living our lives.

The Illusion of Simplicity

Here’s something to think about: feeling obligated can give us a false sense of simplicity. When we say, “It’s out of my hands”, it can seem comforting, like we’re off the hook. It feels safer to avoid confronting our choices and the things we really want.

However, leaning on obligation might mean we’re missing an important opportunity to explore what matters to us. Instead of actively engaging with our responsibilities, we start to feel like we’re on autopilot. It’s kind of like being a child again - being dragged along to the shops by a parent, without any say in what’s happening. These days, we can still feel like we’re following expectations set by friends, family, or society.

Societal Pressure and the Sense of Being Trapped

Let’s not overlook the influence of societal expectations in all of this! In a world of economic pressures, job demands, and thoughts like “I really need to work as my family rely on me”, perceived pressures can build up and feel pretty intense. It’s no wonder many of us feel stuck. Sometimes, it’s easier to accept the narrative, ‘That’s just how life works’, rather than challenging how these pressures affect our personal choices and happiness.

Managing feelings of obligation

Feelings of obligation can be managed, but we have to acknowledge that this may be challenging - especially when they contribute to stress and anxiety. Here are some strategies that may help you navigate these feelings more effectively and reclaim your sense of agency:

Reframing Your Mindset

• Shift Perspective: Instead of viewing tasks as obligations, consider them as choices that align with your values or contribute to your goals. Ask yourself, “What value does this bring to my life?”

• Focus on Intentions: Think about why you chose to engage in a specific activity. This can help you reclaim ownership over your decisions.

Prioritise Self-Reflection

• Identify your Core Values: Spend some time reflecting on what truly matters to you. Understanding your values can help you discern which obligations are genuinely important and which may be influenced by external pressures. I used Via Strengths finder free test at www.viacharacter.org to find mine and then reprioritised my obligations based on what matters to me.

• Journal: Write down your thoughts and feelings around obligations. Journaling can provide clarity and help you identify any patterns or recurring themes.

• Set Boundaries - Learn to Say No: Practice saying no to tasks or invitations that don’t align with your priorities or values. This can help you protect your time and energy.

• Establish Limits: Set clear boundaries around your time and commitments. Consider how much you can realistically take on without overextending yourself.

Practice Mindfulness

• Stay Present: Mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing or meditation can help you manage any feelings of obligation. Being present can alleviate anxiety about future tasks too.

• Tune Into Your Feelings: Acknowledge your feelings without judgement. Understanding where they come from can lead to more informed choices.

Create a Realistic To-Do List

• Prioritise Tasks: Instead of a long list of all of your obligations, focus on what is most important each day. Differentiate between urgent tasks and those that can wait. Think about what is ok with you and what isn’t; having a list of these can help when making decisions going forward.

• Break Tasks Down: Divide larger obligations into smaller, manageable steps. This can make tasks feel less overwhelming.

Engage in Open Communication

• Express Your Feelings: I know it’s easier said than done, and I still remember the first time that I spoke out and said “no”. Start small - ask a friend to become your buddy, and to pull you up when you go into ‘obligation mode’. Speak to your family and/or colleagues and tell them about what you are trying to do; that being obligated has become a reaction from you, that you are now questioning it, and you want to break the pattern about your feelings of obligation. Sharing can help you process these emotions and may lead to understanding and support.

• Negotiate Responsibilities: If you're feeling overwhelmed with shared tasks, discuss these with any other people involved - see if responsibilities can be adjusted to better suit everyone's needs. Having three adults in our house caused a huge amount of friction, as I felt obligated to hold everything together. Having a partner who struggles with writing, composing emails etc, also didn’t help - I took on all those admin/bill paying tasks, and it seemed to become my responsibility. Once I had negotiated what jobs needed doing around the house, they were able to pick up some of the other more practical jobs. This allowed me to then feel better about the additional responsibilities that I felt I had.

Seek Support

• Ask for Help: Being completely honest and transparent about this, I personally struggle to ask for help. As an empath, I can see if someone is struggling, and I also know how it feels to be overburdened with obligation - so, I hesitate to ask for help out of fear of adding to their burden. Try to remember, that just like you would support any friend or family member who shared with you what they were carrying, it’s ok to ask them for support too. Sharing your burdens with others can lighten your load, consider reaching out to friends or family for assistance.

• Therapy or Counselling: I know, I know! As a therapist, I should know better than anyone that if feelings of obligation are significantly affecting your mental health, seek professional guidance. There is no might be beneficial, it is beneficial to have someone who has no skin in the game (so to speak), who is impartial and therefore is able to see how my responses are keeping me stuck. They can also then help to provide strategies tailored to the situation that I find myself in. As a therapist, I do have my own therapist and a Wellbeing Coach, and these two wonderful people have kept me sane on many occasions.

Reflect on Past Experiences

• Learning from the Past: This is where journaling for me really comes into its own; when I write about a certain subject, it helps me to clearly see the times where I felt obligated and reflect on the outcomes, and to recognise that some obligations are bigger than others. As we have discovered, there are the daily feelings of I should, I must, I have to… put the washing on today, go do the shopping, clean the house, whatever activity it is - and then there are the bigger obligations of finding times for family, friends, requests at work etc. Ask yourself, did or do any of those obligations lead to satisfaction or resentment? This can help you be better prepared and make more informed choices in the future.

Engage in Self-Care

• Prioritise Yourself: No, I don’t mean just have a bubble bath, watch Netflix or get your nails done – Self-care is so much more than this; it’s about making time for activities that recharge you and bring you joy, having boundaries, getting proper rest, acknowledging your emotions, learning from your triggers and a whole host of other things. Ensuring you have time for self-care can reduce feelings of obligation and improve overall well-being.

• Practice Gratitude: For me this is a daily practice; consciously it’s the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I regularly take stock of what I’m grateful for, this helps me shift my focus from obligations to the positive aspects of what is happening in my life.

Embracing Flexibility

• Adapt Your Plans: Life as we learn, can be unpredictable. By allowing room for flexibility in our commitments, we can remove the feeling of overwhelm - it’s okay to adjust plans if your feelings or circumstances change. To be healthy in mind, body and spirit requires commitment to ourselves first before we commit to others - because if we don’t put our own oxygen mask on first, and don’t prioritise our own wellness at the heart of our decision making, we find ourselves very quickly in a downward spiral of negativity, living a joyless life and feeling resentful.

Conclusion: Finding Freedom in Our Choices

Getting a handle on these feelings of obligation can be tough, but it’s so important for our well-being. It’s crucial to recognise when we’re acting out of a sense of obligation and to take a step back to explore why we’re making those choices. With a little bit of self-reflection, we can start to break free from the burden of ‘should’ and discover the joy of ‘choice’ and what truly resonates with us.

By implementing these strategies, you can start to manage your feelings of obligation in a way that feels more empowering and in line with your personal values. Remember, it’s about finding a balance that allows you to fulfil your responsibilities, while also caring for your own needs and well-being. Take a look at the self-care iceberg below to see how many of our needs are often hidden below the surface:

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed by your to-do list, take a breath and remind yourself:

You have the power to choose how you engage with your responsibilities.

Let’s shift our perspective from obligation to empowerment, making space for a more fulfilling and authentic life!

Start prioritising your own well-being by contacting me today to schedule your FREE Explorer Call and discover how gentle healing can change your life. Together we can overcome the overwhelm and transform our sense of obligation into a freedom of choice.

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